Happy on my own!!

I’m fed up hearing the same old lines from my friends, `why don’t you go on dates, you should be in a relationship so you can be happy.

Hello I am happy,

why do people always assume if your single that your miserable coz it’s just not true. I was married for thirteen years and I felt miserable, sad and lonely, had no one to talk to, isolated from friends and family.

But now that I’m single I can do as I please, and I’m finally happy with me!! I know I’m not perfect but I’m okay with that, I’ve accepted my flaws and I love them, and I wouldn’t let anyone change them, my flaws are what makes me!! Without them I would be someone else.

My friends can’t live alone, they need a partner or a friend to stay with them for company, i don’t necessarily see that is wrong, it is nice to have company but peace and quiet is my comfort, no drama, no pointless rows over the dishes.

I’m not saying I’m going to turn into a crazy cat lady lol, I just enjoy my own company, I enjoy having the freedom to do as I please and until I meet a genuine partner who is on the same wave length as me, I will continue to stay single and happy 😊.

 

 

Breaking the cycle

For me my healing was about breaking the cycle, when you’ve been abused for so long you forget your worth and lose your confidence and your self esteem. You are scared of sudden movements and always apologising for things that aren’t your fault, you become anxious when you do the littlest of things wrong, and they thoughts go on most or all of the night.

My children were going through the same as me, it took me a while to figure out how to help them but I’m glad I did. My daughter used to hit, kick and fling her stuff downstairs, my son would hit me and shout at me, I used to think that I was a terrible mum and it was all my fault. It was in a way because I stayed in that marriage, but I soon figured out that they were acting out suppressed emotions as they were never allowed to cry, shout or get angry, it was hard but I had to break that cycle, I had to get my kids to understand that being angry was OK, it was their reaction that was wrong. I stopped shouting when they were bad instead I walked away and spoke to them when they were calm. Thankfully now my children have calmed down a lot, we still have the odd argument but hey who doesn’t with teenagers.

 

How i started to heal!!

Everytime we had an row or a fight, my feelings were never validated, he would say things like ‘shut up n stop crying’, or if I tried to talk about his actions or how I felt, he would get right in my face and yell, ‘I don’t want to talk about this do you understand!!.

After we split I realised that I was crying non stop and nothing I did helped, the slightest thing sent me into tears.  This is when I had a break through, I realised it was built up emotions coming to the surface, every black eye, sore face, argument, raped nothing was ever validated, I was made out to be nuts,  I had to deal with all of these suppressed emotions.

I took half an hour out every night where I would just lay in my bed and think about a time when he abused me and I would just cry, I had to release the pain that I had bottled up.

When you are not allowed to act out or say how u feel, this results in suppressed emotions which needs to be released so we can move forward and go from survivor to thriver!!!

No concentration!!!

Have you ever watched a film and forgot what happened in it, (not just bits) I mean it all!!?  I couldn’t watch my programmes, read a book or take in any new tasks in work. In fact I lost two jobs through lack of concentration I just couldn’t take anything in, I felt so stupid and had no idea what was wrong me, I was convinced I had dementia of some kind.

Then I discovered it was brain fog and cognitive dissonance.

I think people need to be more understanding when it comes to abuse, because no one gets it if they’ve never been it. I remember being told just leave, it’s not hard and when I went back my friends would go in a mood.

For those people who have never been abused it is not easy to just leave, they have us at our lowest point, we have no self esteem or confidence and often made to feel that no one else likes us or will ever love us again, they have manipulated us that much and put fear in our head so that we never question them, because we know what happens when we do!!

What really is narcissism?

I have read too many articles that think narcissism is someone who loves themselves, while this is true it is not just that, I believe everyone should love themselves (you can’t love another until you love yourself). Narcissists twist words to cause confusion and pain, implant negativity in you so that you question yourself and they LOVE it, they love watching you jump, get angry and feel so confused because now they control you, your life and your thoughts.

They will start arguments over nothing just so you won’t do it again, just to avoid an argument u start agreeing with their ethics even although you know that they are wrong, that is how you lose yourself and start to take on their persona, as you become a shadow of your former self.

I used to wish that these types of people would face karma for their actions, but now I know that their karma is that they are empty inside they have no idea what love is and they can never change, they have caused so much hurt to others that they never look within because that would mean accepting responsibility and that is something they will and cannot do.

Trying to figure the narc out!!

Trying to figure them out is not recommended, I managed to decode exactly what his game was (big mistake) I agonised over every scenario every look and every word he ever said just so I could figure out why? I couldnt sleep, I created more anxiety, depression and had flashbacks every night and I even created more fog in my head but all I could think of was I need the truth, I had to know why he hurt me, I couldn’t understand why he done what he did, how can a human be so cold!!.

I did eventually figure out why, it was only then that I was able to see him for what and who he was, A Coward who loved creating drama, he loved that I was so hurt, infact that is how they get their kicks, what a weirdo.

The headaches I suffered trying to figure it out, at one point I actually passed out from exhaustion, I now suffer headaches through the slightest bit of stress that happens in my life, my brain just switches and goes into overload. Trying to figure them out is not worth your sanity and losing yourself for.

WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES

When you split from the narcissist you will feel lost, confused, invalidated and that’s only the surface of the pain.

THE ABUSE I ENDURED WAS NEVER VALIDATED BY ANYONE.

I had to turn inwards to me and validate my own abuse by reassuring myself that I didn’t deserve to be punched, kicked, raped and coercively abused. So why did it happen, how did it happen, why did I allow it to continue.

By going back to my inner child healing I realised that I didn’t think that much of myself, I believed that I had to act or behave in a certain way to be loved and accepted.  I now know this is bollocks.  If someone loves you they accept you for who you are and for what you stand for, they will support your decisions because they love who you are.

But first we must love who we are, we do have the power to go inward and heal our wounds and forgive ourselves for mistakes that we have made, when we start to heal our wounds that’s when we notice a shift in our mind and we start to create better healthier boundaries so that we recognise the red flags and listen to our intuition.

We will keep experiencing certain things until we have learned our lessons.