There is a silver lining!!

When I think back to just four years ago, I was a mess, I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than two minutes, couldn’t read blogs or watch my soaps. I slept most of the day, and over thought every little thing that I said, my life was a nightmare!!

I didn’t realise just how much narcissitic abuse can affect someone, they literally leave you hanging with no answers, no confidence, self esteem or friends.  I thought I would never heal from it, but slowly the brain fog disappeared and I started to feel better. I had to remove the trauma that was inside, all the scars that he had left, all of my suppressed emotions and thoughts.

It did take a lot of work but I got there, I just want to let people know that the mind does heal!! 😁

 

 

Life is funny!! 😁

The funniest thing happened to me today!! It started a few days ago and I realised that my son was bring very ungrateful for the things that he has and towards things I was doing for him. It took me a while to figure out why this annoyed me so much.. The answer is simple.. I wasn’t being grateful for everything I had!!

Sometimes the things that we don’t like about others are the exact things that we do ourselves, everything in life is a lesson or a blessing and it will keep showing up until you learn that lesson

You can be anything you want to be!!

We as people are our own worst critic, we always doubt ourselves, no I can’t do that and then we don’t even try, or we pick out our flaws and we focus on them all the time, if you think negative you will continue to see negative. When you start to believe in yourself and tell your mind that you can do it and your flaws are beautiful they are what makes you and that makes you unique why do we always compare ourselves to others when we can be happy with who we are.  Its all in the power of the mind, if u can visualise it, feel it and then let it be the universe will conspire to make it happen.

STOP!!

How many people continually look up narcissist behaviour or pages on Facebook trying to understand their behaviour, and why they did this to you and how they can do this?…

I KNOW I DID

in fact I lost myself trying to understand his behaviour.  I researched and researched for years as I had lost everyone due to his lies so I kept searching in hope that I could find the answer to expose him!!!.

The best thing you can do is stop researching narcissists and start healing yourself. It is a long hard process but it is so worth it. I am not the same person I was five years ago, I have healthier boundaries and have build new healthy friendships with other people, it is hard but you can trust again.

You will know you are over it when you have no interest in looking back!!

You cannot control the lies or in fact anything that another person does, but by working on yourself you can change your reaction.

The last game

Well I had a moment tonight when I realised that the narc is still playing games and I was falling for it again!!,

As our son got in his car to go and stay at his bit, he confessed to him that he had been drinking. And as per usual I got upset and protective of my children, then the penny dropped and I realised why would he confess that hed been drinking?, he knows it will get back to me and I’ll start to feel angry and give him a piece of my mind, which he would just love, gives him another chance to make out that I’m crazy. I can’t believe I fell for it again

A conscious mind

To work from a conscious mind is really hard, but it does let me change my thought pattern and change my behaviour in situations.

If I feel hurt by someome else’s words or behaviour, I started asking myself why does this make me upset? Where does this come from? Most of the time it’s an issue that I have from my past, using this let’s me fix that wound and move on. I did beat myself up for a bit thinking about the past,  but I can either wallow in pity or use it to change.

Being aware of how my thoughts and actions affect me and the world around me has helped me with my depression, anxiety and ptsd.

Remembering who I am!!

I have remembered who I was before the abuse, I was at least two stone lighter than I am now, I was always smartly dressed, the complete opposite from who I am now. If I’m not in jammies I’m sitting in my trackies.

Time for a change!!

I always sit and moan about my house and then spend so much time on Facebook that I never actually do anything about it.

Again time for a change!!

I’m always helping friends out when I can, but unfortunately I very rarely get it back, don’t get me wrong I understand that they are in difficult situations but so am I, so it’s time to put me first and say No.  If their really my friends they will understand.

 

Here’s hoping there’s a new me for the new year!! It’s my time time to shine!!

 

True love

Have you ever just looked at someone’s eyes and felt that flutter in your heart, or it’s been like a two second glance but it felt like time stood still for about ten minutes. I had this the other day, everytime I see him I swear my heart skips a beat.

He knows how I feel and I know that unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same way as me, but it doesn’t stop my heart from jumping when ever I see him.

To me that’s true love, when u can hold a space for someone in your heart no matter how they feel about you. All I wish for him is the best,  I know he’s a really nice guy and any lady that’s lucky enough to snap him up would be treated like a princess.

 

Happy on my own!!

I’m fed up hearing the same old lines from my friends, `why don’t you go on dates, you should be in a relationship so you can be happy.

Hello I am happy,

why do people always assume if your single that your miserable coz it’s just not true. I was married for thirteen years and I felt miserable, sad and lonely, had no one to talk to, isolated from friends and family.

But now that I’m single I can do as I please, and I’m finally happy with me!! I know I’m not perfect but I’m okay with that, I’ve accepted my flaws and I love them, and I wouldn’t let anyone change them, my flaws are what makes me!! Without them I would be someone else.

My friends can’t live alone, they need a partner or a friend to stay with them for company, i don’t necessarily see that is wrong, it is nice to have company but peace and quiet is my comfort, no drama, no pointless rows over the dishes.

I’m not saying I’m going to turn into a crazy cat lady lol, I just enjoy my own company, I enjoy having the freedom to do as I please and until I meet a genuine partner who is on the same wave length as me, I will continue to stay single and happy 😊.

 

 

Breaking the cycle

For me my healing was about breaking the cycle, when you’ve been abused for so long you forget your worth and lose your confidence and your self esteem. You are scared of sudden movements and always apologising for things that aren’t your fault, you become anxious when you do the littlest of things wrong, and they thoughts go on most or all of the night.

My children were going through the same as me, it took me a while to figure out how to help them but I’m glad I did. My daughter used to hit, kick and fling her stuff downstairs, my son would hit me and shout at me, I used to think that I was a terrible mum and it was all my fault. It was in a way because I stayed in that marriage, but I soon figured out that they were acting out suppressed emotions as they were never allowed to cry, shout or get angry, it was hard but I had to break that cycle, I had to get my kids to understand that being angry was OK, it was their reaction that was wrong. I stopped shouting when they were bad instead I walked away and spoke to them when they were calm. Thankfully now my children have calmed down a lot, we still have the odd argument but hey who doesn’t with teenagers.